So, I'm catching up on Hi, My Sweetheart. What is that, you ask? An asian drama. Now that all of you have closed the window/tab, I will continue. But if you are still here, skip the text and click on that sexy "read more" link.
Basically, few things amuse me as much as asian dramas, because they are full of clichés, incredibly unrealistic and filled with “lol wut” moments. For instance, take episode 9 of Hi, My Sweetheart.
Short (not really) recap of the story so far: Hsueh Hai is an incredibly nerdy and naive kid who's the sole heir of a rich as fuck family. When he has to go to college, he finally leaves his home (and the contant badgering of his aunt(?) ) to study in Taiwan. There, he makes friends right away with the prettiest girl in school, his roomates also like him but there's one girl, Bao Chu Jie, who seems to hate...well, the world. Inevitably, and despite Pretty Girl's efforts to keep them apart, they get close and fall in love. They stay together until the end of their degrees, when a problem comes up. You see, Bao Chu is also the daughter of a rich family and her mother will not allow her to marry anyone who isn't of equal or higher social standard, and Hsueh Hai's aunt, to protect Hsueh Hai, gave him a new identity at college: he's Lin Da Lang*, a very poor kid. Bao Chu also thinks he's poor but defies her mother and goes to Lin Da Lang, but gets in an accident. She had left a (fake) note saying she would marry the guy her mother had arranged for her and break it off with Lin Da Lang. Meanwhile, he's left waiting for her with a wedding ring. Obviously, because she got in an accident, she never comes. He's incredibly heartbroken, and when we meet him, years later, he's a completely different guy. A cocky, stupid fella whose only language is money. Basically, he's the tooliest tool that ever lived.
Bao Chu is now working at a radio station, and through her programme, she has tried to find her Lin Da Lang, but to avail. Her senior, whom we will call Pony Tail Man, is in love with her since the Earth was created and is accepting this opportunity to finally get with her, since she thinks she'll never meet Lin Da Lang again. Of course, she does, but he now is Hsueh Hai, the tool. He, still thinking that she left him for a rich guy, makes being her boyfriend and then dumping her his new mission. Unfortunatly, and like most normal human beings, she thinks he's a dumbass, although his extreme resemblance (which, uh, yeah, there almost isn't any, but I think it's good that the writers realized that different hair and glasses do not a different person make (e.g. Clark Kent) ) to Lin da Lang haunts her, and kind of attracts her to him. She supposedly “hates him” but yet, she can't keep completely away.
This episode – whew, that was a long recap – we find Hsueh Hai going after Pony Tail Man and Bao Chu when they decide to go on holiday, and thus ensues yet another episode where he fails miserably at bringing them apart. First, he tries to put cold medicine in Pony Tail Man's drink, but somehow, the drinks get messed up and he gets the cold medicine. Then we're treated to 5 minutes of him sitting in the bathroom, making faces of utter agony. Taiwanese dramas are known – well, maybe they aren't, but I have watched enough to say the following – for their silliness, especially in regards to potty humor. Although, I have to admit, potty humor can be gold.
Indeed, Hsueh Hai.Such wise words. He manages to convice Bao Chu and her Pony to go with him...uh...somewhere, and when he's driving the car, we find that...
farts aren't negligible. Why?
Because you have to pay for them. Sure!
After some miserable attempts to get her attention, Hsueh Hai is eating
buttsex I mean, a banana, and this occurs:
That's one sleazy looking banana. And that's saying something.
He tries, via banana, to make Pony Tail Man slip, but, in a surprising (not really) turn of events, the chick he's with – I think I forgot to mention that he carries around a girl to make Bao Chu jealous – falls on top of him and then he falls in the water. He can't swim. Bao Chu remembers saving Lin Da Lang once because he couldn't swim either. HMMM. I WONDER. NAAAH, HE'S A TOOL. Anyway, she decides to rescue him regardless and instead of the usual “oops, we kissed because you were doing cpr!” we got this:
Which, I have to admit, looks VERY nice as a stand alone shot. The fangirls went wild with this, I bet. Particularly because the chinese are a bit more conservative, I think. Hsueh wakes up and is shocked at who was doing the cpr, because he's not a fan of pork.
My thoughts exactly.
Ahh! ...okay. If you hated it so much, why so descriptive, Hsueh Hai? Let's see what Bao Chu has to say on this matter. I'm sure she's angry because you insulted her senior--
Uh, good to know.
I know, right? It's the most literal “that's what she said” I've ever experienced.
Because he's mad – and because we haven't had a real “male lead and the guy who won't get the girl even though he seems better for her” competition – he decides to challenge Pony Tail Man to a duel. Ooh, good heavens, what will they do? Fencing? Boxing? Basketball? Insult Swordfighting?
Jet...ski...battle. Okay, Cherry, just go with it.
And then, think of Blade music (it's the first thought that came to mind when describing the tune used for this scene) for this AWESOME competition. The adrenaline is rising,
Pony Tail Man ate some lemons before his speech, but who cares, this is truly an intense fight.
“is a battle of a man's eagerness to”-- whoa, wait. Why are they standing 4 meters from eachother? Don't they need a tiny bit more of room? Is it that menacing when you can touch your opponent with your arm (or penis)? Bare in mind, the “battle” was them jet skiing towards eachother, and the loser was the one who turned away first.
Obviously, Pony Tail Man wins, and then we simply see Hsueh drinking whiskey and thinking he should run for Douchebag of the Year.
The music in this shot is very dramatic. Like he'll die from drinking whiskey. Hey, if that actually happened, why do people offer eachother whiskey at Christmas? Right? Oh, wait. Hsueh challenges Pony Tail Man, by saying that he's a big girl if he doesn't drink with him. Bao Chu doesn't care for this poppycock.
Translation: you're a douche.
And then, for no reason, Bao Chu decides to drink for her Pony Tail Man. Driking game time.
I'm always fascinated by asian drinking games, because the American/European version is just “hey, let's get drunk” “that's a nice idea for a game! Whoever drinks the most, wins!”. We're pretty unimaginative.
I'm sorry, did I say “drinking game?” I meant “plot device”, because Hsueh Hai and Bao Chu get shitfaced and thus
and then a long flashback of stuff we're tired of knowing, and then
They confess everything to eachother. He asks why she left him and she asks why he didn't wait. After a while, he gets in her pants.
Too bad they both are plastered, so next morning, when they wake up, they are a little
at the situation.
Pony Tail Man is at the door, so Bao Chu Jie hides her shame in the bathroom. And then, somehow, she has to take a bath so he doesn't think something odd is going on. Also, Hsueh is burping bubbles after hiding in the soapy bath water.
He had been told to look at the wall while she took a bath, but since a naked Bao Chu is relevant to his interests...
he loses it.
And so does she. I have to say this: her “shocked” look never convinces me. On the other hand, Hsueh Hai isn't very good with dramatic stuff.
And this sequence is amazing. Thank god for Gif Soup, otherwise, this would be lost in cap form.
She runs off to get breakfast with Pony Tail Man, and he comes down shortly after, still burping bubbles, which makes Bao Chu spout this great remark
...to which he has absolutely no reply.
But he does fart and bubble all the way home. For what reason? NONE, BUT WHO CARES?
I'm sorry, what? Maybe your farts are clouding your sight. Honestly, the transition between farting and burping bubbles in the car to this is simply a fadeout and a wide shot that tells us he's at his house again. I'm not kidding.
He talks to his younger aunt – the slutty one – and, while brainstorming, they realize Bao Chu must be crazy about him, but he does have to clarify if they did the upside-down tram ride.
After this, a cute scene happens in which Bao Chu forgives someone from her past, and when she's leaving the radio station, Hsueh approaches her so they can figure out what really happened the night they were together. Also, it's important to mentioned that they are followed by one of Bao Chu's (or Miss Sweetheart, as she is known in her programme) crazy fans.
They try to remember, but both are drawing blanks. But, oh, wait, he recalled something!
She had been crying, it seems.
Then, she remembers saying something to him. It was “Da Lang, I've missed you”, but of course, she doesn't tell Hsueh that. Instead, she asks him if he saw anything that night?
(My reply: )
Oh my lord, I just spent 5 minutes laughing. Do you want to know his reply? Well, nothing will prepare you for
PIPA SHOTS. This is extra-funny if you are portuguese.
With my mind out of the gutter, and after hearing that he was referring to her ribs, instead of * cough * something else, I googled pipa and here it is, in all its glory:
And what was on top of that pipa, Hsueh Hai?
Okay. Bao Chu, your thoughts?
No, your * actual * thoughts.
Good, now we know.
And not very smart, because she enters the cab of her creepy stalker fan.
And the preview for next episode tells us that shit is getting real, as Lin Da Lang will appear again, there's going to be an accident with that cab and Pony Tail Man is now Psycho Boyfriend From Hell.
*Lin Da Lang: the sound you make when humming the Pink Panther tune. Yep, it's silly.