Monday, 30 July 2012

The Pandorica Opens - Doctor Who s5e12 recap


Why hello thar, second-to-last episode.


Wait, what? We're back to Vincent?


Oh, I see what they're doing. They're giving us a crack rift tour.


I like that font, but where the fuck is this?


Should have known. It's the prison she's in. I love her hair like that.


The world is nooooooooooooooooot enough! I always liked that Garbage video. And the song, obviously.


*snort* Okay, this was really cute.


Hm. What's Riversong up to?


HELLZ YEAH JACKIE BROWN. I mean, your Majesty.


Riversong: “The Doctor's in trouble, I need to find him. Also, have you seen my marvellous cleavage?”
Queen Liz: “Yes, I have. Very good indeed. Want to check out mine?”

[cut to awesome sex]

Oh, I'm sorry, I was just...imagining I wrote the show again. Never mind. The Doctor is in trouble, though.


Whoever dresses her has a lot of fun, don't you all agree?


She's staring at the ring. Also, EYES. HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW THEY LIKE TO SHOOT EYES A LOT? I SURE HAVEN'T. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S BEEN IN EVERY OTHER EPISODE OR SOMETHING.

So, they've off to read some ancient writing that has never been deciphered.


Well, that settles it, then.

They then travel to Rome, where a soldier greets the Doctor like he's Caeser.


“Cleopatra will see you now.”

That Riversong sure kisses a lot of people.


She wrote on a cliff because he wouldn't answer his phone. Fair enough.


And this is the painting she wanted to deliver. Van Gogh had a vision and created this. That goddamn Batman! And his cosmic lemonade!


See, told you we'd see River again when this was in the title.


It's the three horsemen of the time vortex!

Btw, the painting has the same name as this episode.


I love when they showcase how pretty the UK is.


It's never that easy.


“What's in there, what could justify all this?”

My guess: not Daleks. And minutes after I said that, we hear a Dalek. GUESS I WAS WRONG, THEN. I hate being wrong. Oh, but there's Cyberman.


And Sontarans! And fart aliens! And Sychorax! And...shit just got real.

Their plan? To get the romans to attack.


“You're all barbarians now.”


Amy asks about the ring, the Doctor vaguely explains that things can't really be forgotten and...she doesn't get it. They get shot by a Cyberman's arm and to stop it, the Doctor asks Amy to step in the line of fire.


Best. Idea. Ever.




Cyberctopus!


Amy's in deep trouble. And the arm knocked the Doctor out.


WAT. The roman volunteer was...Rory?


And it takes the Doctor about 5 minutes to notice the soldier is Rickey Rory.


Could it just be...timelords? Inside the box, I mean. I can only think of one thing they all hated. And timelords are it.


And with a speech, he manages to drive all those spaceships away. For half an hour.


Amy doesn't remember him at all. Poor Rory.


Riversong is driving the Tardis through the opening credits. You are about 32 minutes too late for that!


Something tells me that she isn't next to the Doctor and that someone is controlling the Tardis.


STOP BREAKING THE TARDIS, BATMAN.


She's in Amy's house.


Did Amy...did Amy...did she bring Rory back?


Holy crap.


Rory tries to talk to Amy and she starts crying. She can't understand why, though.


Hm. Apparently all the romans are duplicates. Something took Amy's memories. Didn't we do this in the first episode? Maybe it's eye monster again. It would sure explain all the eyes.


Oh dear lord, they've activated the duplicates. That includes Rory.


He realizes he's a thing and that he'll kill her so he tells Amy to run. Amy eventually remembers.


We hear a voice.


GO, GO DALEK RANGEEEEEEEEEEEERS.


MIGHTY MORPHIN...oh, wait, it's just Cybermen.


And Sontarans. And the ones that look like rhynos.


Rory just shot Amy. Blimey, this is heartbreaking. 


I'd take screenshots, but it would make this even longer. Trust me when I say that EVERY alien race they could think of is there. And the Pandorica? It has a chair in it. For the Doctor.


They are saving the universe...from the Doctor.

He gets locked in that box so he doesn't destroy all realities. I get the feeling this is going to end in a way I won't quite like. My theory? Big reset button and all this never happened.

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