Why hello thar, second-to-last episode.
Wait, what? We're back to Vincent?
Oh, I see what they're doing. They're
giving us a crack rift tour.
I like that font, but where the fuck is
this?
Should have known. It's the prison
she's in. I love her hair like that.
The world is nooooooooooooooooot
enough! I always liked that Garbage video. And the song, obviously.
*snort* Okay, this was really cute.
Hm. What's Riversong up to?
HELLZ YEAH JACKIE BROWN. I mean, your
Majesty.
Riversong: “The Doctor's in trouble,
I need to find him. Also, have you seen my marvellous cleavage?”
Queen Liz: “Yes, I have. Very good
indeed. Want to check out mine?”
[cut to awesome sex]
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just...imagining I
wrote the show again. Never mind. The Doctor is in trouble, though.
Whoever dresses her has a lot of fun,
don't you all agree?
She's staring at the ring. Also, EYES. HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW THEY LIKE TO SHOOT EYES A LOT? I SURE HAVEN'T. IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S BEEN IN EVERY OTHER EPISODE OR SOMETHING.
So, they've off to read some ancient
writing that has never been deciphered.
Well, that settles it, then.
They then travel to Rome, where a
soldier greets the Doctor like he's Caeser.
“Cleopatra will see you now.”
That Riversong sure kisses a lot of
people.
She wrote on a cliff because he
wouldn't answer his phone. Fair enough.
And this is the painting she wanted to
deliver. Van Gogh had a vision and created this. That goddamn Batman! And his cosmic lemonade!
See, told you we'd see River again when
this was in the title.
It's the three horsemen of the time
vortex!
Btw, the painting has the same name as
this episode.
I love when they showcase how pretty
the UK is.
It's never that easy.
“What's in there, what could justify
all this?”
My guess: not Daleks. And minutes after
I said that, we hear a Dalek. GUESS I WAS WRONG, THEN. I hate being
wrong. Oh, but there's Cyberman.
And Sontarans! And fart aliens! And
Sychorax! And...shit just got real.
Their plan? To get the romans to
attack.
“You're all barbarians now.”
Amy asks about the ring, the Doctor
vaguely explains that things can't really be forgotten and...she
doesn't get it. They get shot by a Cyberman's arm and to stop it, the
Doctor asks Amy to step in the line of fire.
Best. Idea. Ever.
Cyberctopus!
Amy's in deep trouble. And the arm
knocked the Doctor out.
WAT. The roman volunteer was...Rory?
And it takes the Doctor about 5 minutes
to notice the soldier is Rickey Rory.
Could it just be...timelords? Inside
the box, I mean. I can only think of one thing they all hated. And
timelords are it.
And with a speech,
he manages to drive all those spaceships away. For half an hour.
Amy doesn't remember him at all. Poor
Rory.
Riversong is driving the Tardis through
the opening credits. You are about 32 minutes too late for that!
Something tells me that she isn't next
to the Doctor and that someone is controlling the Tardis.
STOP BREAKING THE TARDIS, BATMAN.
She's in Amy's house.
Did Amy...did Amy...did she bring Rory
back?
Holy crap.
Rory tries to talk to Amy and she
starts crying. She can't understand why, though.
Hm. Apparently all the romans are
duplicates. Something took Amy's memories. Didn't we do this in the
first episode? Maybe it's eye monster again. It would sure explain
all the eyes.
Oh dear lord, they've activated the
duplicates. That includes Rory.
He realizes he's a thing
and that he'll kill her so he tells Amy to run. Amy eventually
remembers.
We hear a voice.
GO, GO DALEK RANGEEEEEEEEEEEERS.
MIGHTY MORPHIN...oh, wait, it's just
Cybermen.
And Sontarans. And the ones that look
like rhynos.
Rory just shot Amy. Blimey, this is
heartbreaking.
I'd take screenshots, but it would make
this even longer. Trust me when I say that EVERY alien race they
could think of is there. And the Pandorica? It has a chair in it. For
the Doctor.
They are saving the universe...from the
Doctor.
He gets locked in that box so he
doesn't destroy all realities. I get the feeling this is going to end
in a way I won't quite like. My theory? Big reset button and all this
never happened.
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