Monday, 14 June 2010

Sex and the City 2 liveblog thing...kind of.

I can't sleep, and am in need of something quite brainless. So, let's put on Sex and the City 2, shall we?

01.31 Omid Djalili is in it. I'm betting his part will involve asian stereotypes. Lots of 'em.

03.16 Most believable 80's/90's outfit? Samantha's, closely followed by Miranda.

04.07 "LOL, THE GAYS ARE GETTING MARRIED." Oh, Sex and City...remember when you were actually not a cliché?

05.27 So, Carrie is wearing a suit and bow-tie, and Big just said "ooops, your fly is down" in a tone reminiscent of a low budget porn movie.


06.28 Damn, Miranda looks nice in that dress. Cleavage down to her shoes, but I think think she looks quite nice.

06.45 Samantha brought her dog, which surprises everyone. This prompts her to say "it's a gay more bitch with attitude doesn't make that much difference". Yeah.

08.22 Quoting Madonna lyrics. I wonder if the younger girls watching this knew that was a reference to something else.

09.34 I have to stop listing each reference to "LOL, THE GAYS".

11.00 "Could this wedding get any gayer?" "Look who's marrying them" ...and it's Liza Minelli. I'd react to this, but I left my emotions on my pants, and I'm not wearing them right now.

11.13 Okay, this was amusing. "How did they get Liza to do this?" "When there's this much gay energy in a room, she manifests." I cannot explain why, but I'm quite weird when it comes to jokes about gay stereotypes. To me, that one is amusing, but the whole "I'LL BRING A FEMALE DOG BECAUSE THIS IS SO GAY IT'S FULL OF BITCHES" doesn't really float my boat.

12.46 WAT. Liza is singing a version of "Single Ladies". I...I cannot. Give me a second, I have to get some water.

13.23 Okay, she's doing the choreography too. Well, some of it, anyway.

13.56 Charlotte's perfect marriage apparently isn't perfect. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS, OMC?

I agree completely.

19.03 Samantha hits on someone. That took longer than I expected.

19.25 And 20 seconds later, they are fucking. Ah, that's the Samantha I know.

21.13 In a way, it's kind of a silly move to show an old Hollywood movie because you can clearly tell how much better it is.

23.31 Best part of the movie so far: 15 seconds of slow motion bouncing breasts. Gotta love 'em.

25.01 Scratch that. All in all, I got half a minute of that.

29.17 Miranda just kicked some ass. Well, I'm just assuming that since they didn't actually show it. And yet, I've already been treated to 5 minutes of Carrie and Big doing nothing/discussing how rich they are.

30.07 More breasts! This film is getting better.

35.59 Why are Carrie and Big simultaneously unbalanced and incredibly sappy? I am dying over here.

36.47 He bought her a flatscreen. Did she really expect anything else from the guy who sent her love letters...copied from a book? And honestly Big, with the way she is, you'd have to be really stupid to get it wrong. There, see? All she wanted was some jewellery.

38.45 I loved Samantha just now. "For the record, I am fifty-fucking-two years old and I will rock this dress."

41.45 A friend of mine tweeted something a few days ago: "why do portuguese radios air 'New York State of Mind' when we have our own version?" . And now, each time I hear the song, I keep waiting for the portuguese lyrics to come up. Eles dizem ganda maluco/eu respondo tásse bem.

42.47 And Miley Cyrus is in the movie. For some reason. With her spikey collar. Bad Miley, bad!

44.40 Carrie is complaining that all Big wants to do is stay at home and watch tv on the couch. Stanford offers a great piece of forward-thinking advice, straight out of the women rights movement: "Count your blessings, honey. Remember when you couldn't even get him to sleep over?"

45.09 Why does Penelope Cruz never look as beautiful as when she is in one of Almodovar's movies?

46.46 She did not just say "sparkle guy". Carrie, you do not want "sparkle guy". Stay away from the SKIN OF A KILLAH.

48.56 Almost one hour gone by, and I just spent 5 more minutes watching a couple argue about minute stuff, when I'm more interested in how the Miranda thing is going to turn out. Hell, even Charlotte and her two screaming kids are more entertaining than this.

50.48 Not going to lie, this is my modus operandi. Lock myself in a room, and bang my head against a wall until I come up with a solution.

53.42 Some advice for the future on relationships: if you want to keep it fresh, move for a few days to your other apartment. Getting the apartment will be easy, I'm sure.

55.21 And now they're discussing it at length, with Big suggesting they both get 2 days off each week from their marriage.

57.53 Finally, we get to the LOOK AT US BEING STUPIDLY RICH part of the movie. Carrie has a stupidly big hat.

61.54 And now that Carrie has told the big "2 days off" plan, the girls question her and she goes to bed freaking about it.

65.28 Omid Djalili is in.


71.10 I will chose to interpret that moment in which local stylish girl looked at Carrie as blatant flirting.

72.29 Could the butlers start mentioning "pleasure" every five seconds? I mean...there's only so much I can do to keep focused on the movie.

75.30 I love how in this part of the movie, Miranda is playing Wikipedia. Every time she's on screen, we get more background on Abu Dhabi (Got that spelling right on the first try. Yay.)

75.38 And once again, Carrie is dressed in a ridiculous manner, Miranda looks stylish but quietly so.

79.19 Oh, it's that guy who actually wanted commitment when Carrie didn't.

83.32 Samantha was talking about her vagina. Boring, but still doesn't make me sleepy.

85.14 The Sex and the City staple: the four girls walking. Come to think of it, that's a really boring shot. And this time, Miranda is the more ridiculous one.

86.48 They are on camels...talking about camel toes. This movie is the height of wit.

88.38 "Lawrence of my labia"...really? That is just too much, even for Samantha.

90.37 As cheesy as the karaoke scene is, it's quite an honest, relaxed moment. Basically, it's not Liza Minelli singing single ladies or Carrie arguing about a flatscreen.

95.10 If the one thing wrong with your life is the fact that you put out one book that wasn't universally adored, then you probably don't realize how lucky you are. Additionally, that cartoon, if anything, is quite flattering.

99.00 And after all these years, we finally get a chance to see why Miranda is the most grounded person out of the four.

101.44 "How to the women without help raise their kids?" "I have no fucking idea." And it only took 100 minutes to hear something that you would on the show.

105.12 Adultery is fun if the two people are married! YAY!

109.05 ...I'm omitting my commentary to this scene.

111.17 Big has quite the bitchface. Yes, all one word. Urban Dictionary, entry nº2.

121.21 Lose your passport. [advice dog] Buy some shoes and get it back.

127.12 I'm kind of glad that it took this long for something to happen that made them put burkas on. On the other it really that necessary?

132.36 Blah blah blah and they made up.

134.32 Hot nanny is a lesbian. Pity we didn't get to see her breasts in slow motion again.

And the movie closes with everyone having a nice dinner, just seconds after Samantha fucked another guy. With fireworks in the background. Funny, that never happens to me. The fireworks, I mean.

And that's all, I guess. A waste of time, since I'm still not sleepy. As per usual, I'll only get sleepy at about 2 pm. Huzzah.


José Rainho said...

I absolutely NEED to tell you that after I read a comment on OMC's videoclip page about someone who missunderstood "How Bizarre" as "Parmesan" (yes, the cheese) and I rewatched it... I couldn't stop understanding it as "Parmesan" as well.

Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights
Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights...
Parmesan, parmesan

Plus, the captcha under this comment box that I need to retype reads "softtit". lol!